Awaiting Our International Arrival
It is said in recovery circles that our happiness is inversely proportional to our expectations.
The bigger our expectations, the more room for disappointment. It’s always better to be surprised by something good then disappointed by something we thought should have been better.
I tell my students a version of this lesson every time they hear a rumor of snow. In the mid-Atlantic, snow forecasting is a volatile enterprise, a few degrees makes the difference between a snowstorm and cold rain. It is always better to get your work done ahead of time and be pleasantly surprised by a snow day, then celebrate a premature forecast and have nothing finished at the opening bell, I tell them.
“Yeah right, Mr. G. Whatever you say,” is a typical response before they return to making snow day plans and net snowfall predictions.
It’s easy to get our hopes up. There is something magical about those preliminary moments, when our imaginations are free to wonder and dream up scenarios that work themselves out impossibly in our favor. The only problem is, when things don’t work out—or when they invariably don’t meet our exact specifications—we feel the weight of loss. And there’s no one to blame but ourselves for setting the imaginary bar too high. Yes, expectations weigh us down. In some cases, they can smother us.
Where do we set higher expectations than with our children?
When my wife first got pregnant, it was easy to daydream about the type of parent I would be and the type of children we would have. And naturally, I expected a boy and she expected a girl. We decided to not find out which gender the baby would be.
At one point I said, “I can’t wait to have him help me mow the yard.”
To which my wife said, “What are you talking about? She is the size of a lima bean. Do you know how long it will take before our child is mature enough to handle machinery?”
“I just like the idea of it is all,” I said undeterred.
Six years into the journey and I’m still waiting on some help with the yard. I have received plenty of pretend help though.
In the prenatal stage, I admit I was reluctant to make preparations.
I figured this parenting stuff would all come naturally. In fact, I remember getting an early father’s day present before our son was born: The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-To-Be. The hand-written note read, “I can’t wait to start this journey with you. You are going to be such an amazing father.”
How nice, I thought. Then I opened to a random page in the fourth month section: “Ways to Show Her You Care: Here are nearly a hundred ideas—in no special order—that will make you popular around the house (and make your wife the envy of all her friends—pregnant and otherwise.)”,
Oh. Oh she’s Good. Soliciting my services through the clever guise of first father’s day mush. I scan the list: “Offer to give her a back rub—again,” “Hand over the TV remote and watch what she wants,” and “Load and unload the dishwasher.”
I thought this was a book on parenting, not on the systematic emasculation of your spouse.I’m going to be a father, not a lap dog! I set the book on the shelf.
And then this happened.
I was singing Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man,” to her belly, as I often did when I saw a small bead trace down my wife’s stomach, as if it a falling star and her stomach the sky.
“She’s moving,” she said.
“Oh my God.” I pressed my full palm to her pregnant belly. “I’m not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.”
A faint pressure prodded the arch of my hand. “He knows it’s me.”
My wife nodded.
“He is going to change everything,” I said.
“Or She!”
“Yes. Or She.”
That night I went to the bookshelf and dusted off The Expectant Father. I read the chapter on the fifth month of pregnancy: “Feeling the baby’s first kicks may make you much more interested in reading about pregnancy, if you haven’t been doing so already.”
Hmm. This book may have something after all; it has me pegged, at least.
The realization came: my wife is carrying our child, a tiny living creature. This was the turning point. Nightly foot rubs, doing dishes and hauling laundry. I did it all. And I was happy. Happy in the expectation of bringing life into the world, not in imagining having help with the yard work.
And now, six years later, we are filled with the expectation of new life all over again.
Juan Diego, an 11-year-old Colombian orphan, will be living with us for the month of July. It is through the Kidsave Summer Miracle program. As with our own children, my wife and I have thought of different things to prepare. As you might have guessed, dear reader, my expectations have been just a little skewed.
While my wife focused on getting his room ready, I attempted the impossible feat of learning Spanish in three months. While my wife has drafted a daily calendar for Juan Diego to follow, I’ve read Santiago Gamboa’s epic novel A Return to the Dark Valley which, as it turns out, is only a small part Colombian culture but is engrossing and brilliant nonetheless. While my wife brainstormed a list of house rules for everyone to follow, I watched Colombia lose to Japan after Carlos Morena picked up a red card in the first 3 minutes of pool play. Needless to say, our expectations of this experience differ.
Whatever happens, thanks to recovery, I’m able to let go of the result.
If you’d like to support Juan Diego and the 49 children of the Summer Miracle program, you can donate at our Kidsave page. You can also help for free by sharing this post or just spreading the word that these kids are looking for a forever home.
The sign the kids help make him for the airport—just to show we care. Diego arrives Thursday.
Previous Post
Next Post
What a wonderful thing to do, Mark, hosting a child for a month!
I’m excited for you guys!
I used to have so many expectations for myself and hubs. Now, after recovery I have learned to breathe, and not hold on so tight to everything.
(Getting old helps that, too! )
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy. Wishing you two a great summer!
I totally agree. When we expect too much from people or even from ourselves,we get very disappointed. We should never put our expectations or the responsability on someone to make us happy. God is the only one that can fullfil us in all the areas of our lives! Great post!
Bravo Mark bravo. What a loving beauty of a story. Touching, funny and very well written. You show more and more love in your adventures and I for one am very proud to know you. I know Juan is going to be well happy with his stay with the Goodson clan!
Thank you John. Thank you for your continued support. It means a lot to me and I wish you the best.
I look forward to hearing what he teaches you!
Kidsave sounds like an amazing program! Enjoy your guest and the good thing you are doing for him and for your family. Giving can’t be taught but it can be modeled.
In terms of expectations, tempering them is one of the hardest things. It’s like pacing in a long run, I think. Don’t be afraid to believe in what’s possible, but steady yourself for when it gets tough. Because it will.
Great post! As always.
Thank you Cher. You know I need those reminders about Pace. Like, it’s okay that I’m not fluent in Spanish right now. But man did I give it my best shot. Appreciate your comment.
As always, love to read your words, Mark. Prayers for patience, strength, compassion,understanding, joy and wonderful days with Juan.
Thank you Julie, for your prayers and support.
How wonderful, that’s an amazing thing to do.
How amazing! I hope you’ll write about your July with Juan Diego. I am wishing you all the best of luck and so many fun times this summer. <3
Thank you Kendra. Nice to year from you. I will surely be posting about this in July. Got to find this child a home.
This brought tears to my eyes! Kudos to you and M for not only doing this, but also for exposing your kids to this experience. It will be awesome!
HD! Thank you for donating brother! We’ll have to bring Diego to Annapolis if he’s willing. We’ll let you know when, of course. Thanks for the support man.
I hope this child’s journey is enriched and the outreach of care you are showing him helps him with his grief and his growing.
Thank you Colleen. A wonderful hope, that.
Thank you for subscribing to my blog and thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Happy to make your acquaintance as well!
Mark, it’s a wonderful thing you are doing. An absolutely beautiful story. It will be an amazing experience for you and your family.
Thank you Michael. I appreciate that! So far, so bueno.
What a wonderful tale on how expectations vary and can easily change.
I hope Diego, as well as you all, have a great time together.
It is. Happiness. Inversely Proportional.
Man, did I need to hear about someone doing something good this week. And you just filled the bill. Thank you. I am wishing you, your wife and Juan a phenomenal month!
Thank you. I’m so glad you stopped by, read, and mentioned it. That makes all the difference.