Imprint
Konrad Lorenz famously observed that newborn goslings were highly impressionable creatures.
They were willing to follow anything they engaged with their first few hours of life—even inanimate objects like Lorenz’s boots. Filial imprinting, as its called, occurs across the animal kingdom.
Humans undergo social imprinting as well. Kids take on the mannerisms of their parents. I’ve noticed it often. In the past, I’ve caught myself getting frustrated with my son for repeating a phrase—“Am I right?” or “Do we have a deal?” or even “Excuse me”—over and over again. How could I stay mad at him when I gave him the phrase in the first place?
Imprinting, in a way, explains why my son often wears glasses without lenses as he pretends to read my copy of the Bhagavad Gita.
Children are highly impressionable. Everyone knows that. But something we don’t appreciate often is just how complex and diverse the human personality is. We try on characteristics, rehearse different dialects, mirror facial expressions, role play. Every interaction with another human gets boiled in our soul’s melting pot, where we are free to add a dash of this or a pinch of that.
I imagine the human personality—to extend the notion of imprinting—like a vast beach where everyone we know leaves their footprints. While others are constantly making impressions upon us, those impressions inevitably will wash away. And what are we left with then?
I was reminded of the power of personality reading some recovery literature lately: Darkness Before Light is the collection. I wrote a review for the book on Medium. It is available here. Jessie Monreal’s essay in the collection captures the power of personality well. She reminded me that the greatest blessing of my road to recovery has been the discovery of my true self. In essence, after a lifetime of feeling a beat behind and out of tune, I found harmony. It is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.
My favorite author is Hermann Hesse. My claim to nerd status is having read every novel of his in my first year of recovery. He wrote about this same journey often, most famously in his novel Siddhartha. Hesse’s friend and renowned psychologist Carl Jung called it individuation—the process by which we fit into our true natures. I am an alcoholic, for example, and there is no changing that. This admission, the better I come to understand it, has allowed me to be everything else that I am.
I am obsessed with the nuances of personality and self-actualization. I wrote a novel about it. I’m drafting a second novel about it. As the digital world grows and folds human personality into smaller and smaller packages, I think restoring authenticity (experiencing and exploring the miracle of the mundane) would be a good life pursuit, and one day, a shining oeuvre.
But I digress.
I’m here to write about the latest and greatest gift sobriety has given me: a summer with an eleven year old Colombian orphan, and how that experience has left an indelible impression upon my family.
My son follows the rules.
He is very concerned with doing the right thing. It makes me so proud. I was different as a boy, breaking whatever rules I was given. Enter Diego, the Colombian child who knew how to walk the fine line in between our personalities.
One day at the park, I told Diego that he was not allowed to bike on the street, and he always had to be able to see me. I’ve given my son similar instructions while on his bike at the park and he has circled me like a shark circles prey in the water. Diego took to the sidewalk. He circled the entire block, looping around a community garden and racing down a cut-through street I never knew existed. And while at times I could only make out the silver of his helmet, he never left my sight.
“Can I do that?” My son asked.
“Yes. Just don’t go on the road and make sure you can see me.”
Off he went. It became nuestra pista, the track they raced on all summer long. My son followed Diego through the grass and in between trees, turning a walk in the park into a grand adventure. Diego taught my son that rules can be bent and not broken.
But that’s just the start.
After Diego left, during that heartbreaking time for our family, I noticed my son assume Diego’s expressions and phrases. My son began to lift his eyebrows and drop his chin—an exact replica of the boy who lived with us for five weeks. It was remarkable.
Boys are more complex than goslings.
Humans don’t follow rubber boots. We follow people, role models. We absorb the personalities of others in order to morph into the people we become. It has been so evident in the weeks since Diego left that my son has changed for the better. He has become more independent and adventurous.
I love reading Zadie Smith’s essays on craft. One essay, “Fail Better” describes the impossible task of fiction writing, attempting to capture and conquer the human personality which is, in its nature, irrepressibly free. I can’t capture Diego in his hilarious, adventurous, and warm entirety. It is an impossible feat.
We first saw Diego’s personality emerge on our way to the zoo the second morning of his stay with us. We gave him the option to choose the music and were introduced to Latino pop sensation Nikky Jam. My daughter still says, “Daddy, can you put on hola bebe?” when we get into the car. From that moment on, Diego fully and unabashedly emerged before our eyes. It was brave and inspiring to witness.
Diego is back in Colombia and we miss him something awful. And as hard as I try, I could never conjure the magic of that boy in words and store it for a lazy day. No one can. What I hope to convey to you in this blog post is that we don’t have to. Whenever we need to remember someone we love who is no longer with us, we need only look within. That is where that loved one did his or her best work. That person influenced us for the better. And as we try to do better toward those around us, those loved ones who are now gone live in us forever.
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“Love is the quality of attention we pay to things” J.D. McClatchy- then we have them forever to summon, that they are in us and live through us
I love when we actually realize the reason a person was put into our life!
Blessings!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Yes, it’s where I remember my father!
Inside! And I thank him for all the things I now do because of his love of learning!
xo
Wendy
Great post Mark, sounds like a great experience your family has had. It’s fascinating to see how your children take on elements of different people (and it’s always our own worst traits that they seem to pick up, making it difficult to pull them up on it as you say!). I hope you’re keeping well.
Thank you Matt. It was a great experience, definitely. Hope you are doing well too. And I hope your book roll out went smoothly.
What a brilliant post Mark! My older daughter, when younger, would often give me ‘a look’, roll her eyes and tell me to “be quiet”. It really got on my nerves and I often ticked her off for it. It was only as she got a bit older and developed a stronger personality, that I saw that she had actually inherited (or imprinted) my mannerisms. I realised that I gave the same look, rolled by eyes alot and said “be quiet!”
Wow, that is it exactly! Isn’t it amazing how we unknowingly take on the traits of those around us. Thank you Mrs W for stopping by and leaving a thoughtful note.
Mark – I love your writing. It is so insightful and always makes me smile. Thank you for brightening my day. p.s. I haven’t read Hesse in years, I’ll have to dust off a few books and check him out. Audrey
Thank you for that nice note. Please read some Hesse for me and let me know what you think! Very nice to hear from you Audrey.
Great post, Mark. I so identify with your obsessions. I have my own obsession to understand myself and push forward to self-actualization as well. I am sorry to hear that Diego has gone back to Colombia. Will you be able to have him visit again? He sounds like an awesome kid. I am really happy you shared about his stay with your family.
Thanks for that Michael. He is back in Colombia for now but the good news is he found himself a home in America while he was here! We are thrilled that he will be back and get to keep a relationship with him. It was an incredible experience all around.
I have just bought Darkness before light having read your review.
Very good post, brought more than one tear to my eye. Glad to hear Diego looks to have found a new home and I hope it’s close enough that you guys get to visit.
“Whenever we need to remember someone we love who is no longer with us, we need only look within. That is where that loved one did his or her best work.”
Just beautiful and so true, we hold the ones we love in our hearts and minds and they become part of us.
Welcome to the world of regatón Mark! And the picture of your son is absolutely adorable and amazing.
Best wishes,
M
Regaton! Love it. Thank you Marahu. I usually hit a stride in these posts at some point. I think you pinpointed the one on this post.
It is great to converse again. I’m wishing you and your husband a good fall. Thank you for all the reminders to stay grateful for what we have. And fight for what we don’t.