Only the Lonely
The nature of loneliness is hard to qualify.
Maybe, like me, you’ve been in a room full of people, even friends and family, and felt its sting. Maybe you’ve sought refuge in solitude, and felt that full feeling while completely by yourself. One thing is certain: loneliness is not the state of being alone. And it exists. We all share it to varying degrees. But loneliness can’t be closely related to the presence or absence of other people.
If it were only that simple, right?
When I am most lonely, I can’t just go stand in an elevator with a stranger to feel the relief I need. That relief, that connection is as hard to attain as loneliness is to describe. I am better at realizing I am feeling good, feeling connected, than I am at pinpointing the recipe of action that brings the feeling about. And it, the feeling, is often gone as quickly as it came.
I do know one of my lonely symptoms is the only-ness of loneliness. I can fall victim to my own sympathies quickly. Call it self-pity. Unchecked, I can be the only one struggling with a unique set of challenges. As if no one in the history of suffering has been forced to endure such hardship. It reads melodramatic as I write it, but I can think this way. So often my late sponsor said to me, “Do you think you’re the only father who gets tired of parenting” or “the only husband who takes issue with married life?” The answer is always a simple “of course, not.” But often the solution is too close to notice. After the self-pity comes its cousin, shame. Upon considering the multitude of human suffering, mine pales in comparison. Why am I complaining?
It is far better to think of this suffering, this angst, not in relation to the suffering of others, but as something I share with humanity. The strength in empathy is not measuring to what extent we relate to others, but, more importantly, that we relate to others. Most of it is all-to-simple for words, really. Yet words are all I have for you, and without them, I have no way to approach this shared experience.
Look, we can all admit that this hyper-connected world, ironically, does not help us connect.
The word itself, connect, has never been the same since dial-up modems brought us the static of the internet. Friends and followers do not combat our loneliness. Emojis do not include shoulders to cry on. And this irony of the disconnecting interface makes our loneliness more complicated, more difficult to untangle. Like, for example, here in the very fabric of this post on connection are the elements of alienation that keep us from sharing in an experience. It’s not easy, folks.
I see really smart, experienced, good-intentioned people try their absolute best to create a science of this suffering. When someone is lonely or sad, of course, we want to know why. We continue to invent new syndromes and complexes to broaden our terminology on the subject of sadness, anxiety and fear. It’s as if we’re expected not to feel that way. From where I stand, which I hope is never far from you, dear reader, the real question we should be asking is not how someone can be sad in this world, but how anyone can muster enough happiness to call themselves content.
I have a few pet theories on this subject.
But don’t worry, I won’t break out a list. None of them provide concrete answers.
One is, in fact, that somewhere along the line, we, people, began to demand concrete answers to everything. This holds true in simple cases such as why things work. But lately it’s been answering more difficult questions such as why things are.
Personality requires explanation nowadays. Instead of forging unique identities, we have to be who we are because. Because of the family we were born in or the neighborhood we grew up in. Maybe we are who we are because of our beliefs about politics or the environment, but the bottom line remains: our allegiances are determining our personalities. That’s not right. How could the millions of Americans, for example, each with our own lives and thoughts and experiences possibly be camped in one of two tribes? The human personality is far too complex to be identified as conservative or liberal.
There’s a reason things are this way, we say. And understanding why things are this way is sure to help us handle the way things are. I’m not convinced this is true. At the very least, it is incomplete.
Maybe I am, then again, being over-dramatic. It is said that we alcoholics and addicts have our share of heightened sensitivities.
Alcoholics and addicts seem to experience loneliness more acutely than other groups of people.
Either that or we are too obsessed with ourselves to think otherwise. For me, at least, drinking and drugging was a cure for loneliness. Substances switched on my receptors, opened me up to others. I felt a-part-of when drunk and high like I had never felt clean and sober. Common to so many alcoholics I listen to is that sensation of finally belonging (I have arrived). And then, given the way we drink, it’s clear we don’t like to feel alone.
It’s no wonder that a cure for our problem, or at least its reprieve, is sharing. We get better by listening to others who have been through the same misery. We share with them our versions of that loneliness, that hell.
A strange alchemy occurs. I don’t think it does much good to pinpoint why. No doubt science will be there soon, identifying the exact endochromatic response when relating intimately to another person in the presence of that person. Maybe it already has. I’ve long ago abandoned the research of why sharing works.
I’m more concerned with how. By knowing that sharing works, and resigning from the debates as to why it works, I am able to head off those sinking feelings of dread that chase us all. And by remaining focused on doing what works instead of knowing why it works, I am more happy, less alone, more often.
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Lovely piece Mark x
Thanks brother.
Great piece, Mark. I agree that social media can have the opposite effect as intended. Taking a step back often makes me feel more at peace, and it does not make me feel less connected. I love what you say about our need for concrete answers. You really hit on something here and I agree wholeheartedly.
Thanks, Kristen. Nice to hear from you. I struggle with taking that step back, but at least we know it’s there as an option.
I enjoy the way you write, how you express your thoughts, it’s a gift. For a few years now (I’m 56), especially since grappling with my alcohol abuse (I hate saying alcoholic, but I’m one) and staring my blog, I’ve questioned the “why” to so many things. I’ve come to the conclusion, as you so eloquently wrote, the “whys” do not matter, in the sense of making changes to the problems/issues/concerns one has about life. It the actions (how) we take to change the really matter most. You’ve given me more “great” food for thought. Thank you.
I’m so glad Dana. I hear your expression loud and clear, for what it’s worth. Can you link me to your blog so I can check it out? When I realized the whys were not as important as the hows it was life-changing. I’m very glad to pass on that wisdom. Someone showed me the light, anyhow.
Hi Mark,
Hope this works, http://3440dp.blogspot.com
I don’t write anywhere near as good as most, and I hesitate to write the ugly stuff. In time I hope to share more of my true feelings about this horrible addiction I have to the booze.
Thank you for taking the time to stop by my blog. You’ll note, I don’t use my real name on that platform.
Dana
ps – after re-reading my post, I’m embarrassed on the grammatical errors. Sometimes I write and shoot off with checking my work. Problem I’ve had all my life! LOL!
Hey Dana! I’ve been to your blog before as it turns out. On the grammar stuff. I admit, I’m a little crazy about it. I mean I’m an English teacher after all. I used to go crazy over mistakes I made. I’d change them. Now I’ve come to this nice place where I just don’t care anymore. Not in a bad way. In an ego deflated way.
Damn, I’m not the best at writing off the fly, meant to write …starting my blog, and …that really matter…above. 🙂
You are so eloquent! I’ve figured out that when I feel really disconnected and lonely I’m generally not very present. I’m in past or future or I’m on facebook 😂😂😂 Also when I’ve really looked forward to connecting with someone and then feel disappointed or let down almost like I was expecting to get something from them that I should have given myself. I’m rambling…I think a lot of my loneliness has to do with the need for love approval and appreciation. X
I didn’t think about it that way. Thanks Hurrah. It’s nice to examine things from multiple angles. I guess most of this post was looking out, but the core of the problem, as is the core of most problems, is to look in.
Hi Mark! Didn’t have time to read through as it’s almost 3 am. Need to get back to sleep. I can tell it’s another like-minded post. We’re all the same, yet different. Good to “see” you!
Thanks for stopping by Liz and hope you got some rest.
“It is far better to think of this suffering, this angst, not in relation to the suffering of others, but as something I share with humanity. The strength in empathy is not measuring to what extent we relate to others, but, more importantly, that we relate to others.”
and:
“We continue to invent new syndromes and complexes to broaden our terminology on the subject of sadness, anxiety and fear. It’s as if we’re expected not to feel that way. From where I stand, which I hope is never far from you, dear reader, the real question we should be asking is not how someone can be sad in this world, but how anyone can muster enough happiness to call themselves content.”
All I can say is that you totally get me, Mark. Thank you. Elizabeth
I’m so glad! It makes me truly happy to read that, Elizabeth. Like, this made my day. Thank you.
Hi Mark!
When my depression deepens, I feel so lonely and disconnected to the world.
The best way for me to keep that from happening is meeting someone for coffee, a meeting, or volunteering.
I am way happier when I just do what makes me feel more connected, and less lonely.
As soon as I over think, or over analyze, then I get in trouble.
And for sure, if I start feeling sorry for myself, I have to start thinking of what can I do for someone else!
xoxoxoxo
wendy
Wendy. It is so great to follow you and all you do. The service, the outreach, the inspiration! Thank you for being a beacon of how to handle adversity. I know you know what time it is for us teachers. I hope to connect better this summer as time will allow!
Mark
Hey Mark..The suns up! Pass it on…
Step 11 Big Book “Upon Awakening” page eh..86ish.. Yikes! Is my way to greet the day as opposed to hiding from it or attacking it. Fighting myself for it. That whole a part of not apart from chestnut..
Spiritually Awakened each morning to be specific. Not just asking for help to do whatever I’m doing. Like my God is really an all powerful co-signer. No, for me? I ask for help, for courage and strength. Then take action by having a quick look around my life and my present day. Here’s where I can fall down snared in my own excuses and justifications after all? Nobody knows the troubles I see or have seen.
I ask for help even pray for direction but never really look at the directions I’m headed as if praying to deal with it and have no part in creating it. Yes people dominate me still.. So for all the grand spiritual fitness I have seemingly acquired in my 36 years of AA Big Book sobriety on the suggested spiritual path? I’m no more than the wayward son wandering around bumping into people and reacting. I think they think. How do you like me so far etc. Notice me and what I can do etc. etc..
I am alone surviving same as it ever was only sober now as if sober makes everything better and well, good enough in comparison to the gutter. Look at me creating my own self esteem and my God is my pal, buddy, the dude. Look at all the screwed up people yet we’re not..
This morning “Upon Awakening” I followed through with what it said in the Book. No quick fix better bigger stronger philosophy of life written by great really really important poets or bartenders, lawyers with a crisp stage presence. Wonders of wisdom passed on through the ages with a simple cut and paste. Nope. Just what it say’s on page 86 in the Big Book.
I try to relax and not struggle. Think about my day. The people in my day. Can I see myself in my day? Or am I blindly walking alone in hopes of others offering me a pass. Making room for me and my subtle self seeking arrangements. What can I give to my day rather than what can I get from it.
I ask my God to direct my thinking so I can care enough about myself to care for myself. This may even take a total of three minutes which I’m sure is a record.
Ok..off to work. Lots of giving to be done today. Today is a good day.
Thanks for the eye-opener, Sherp. Several nuggets of wisdom in there to pick out of the morning meditation. I’ve fallen out of touch with those daily devotionals. They help. Maybe this is the comment to switch me back on to them. I hope you have a great weekend, Mark.