The Process
This is the first spiritual retreat I’ve ever been on.
Small room. Sparse furnishings. Cloister life. Upon checking in and entering the privacy of my room, the first thing I wanted to do was write. I had a realization on the way here. It was merely the expectation of what the retreat might be that began to bring clarity.
A week ago I experienced one of the happiest days on record. Now, as you might have guessed from reading this blog a few times in the past, my happiness does not correspond with major achievements or personal conquests. No firework emojis required here. I have discovered that happiness does not wait at the finish line; it is the track itself. It’s about the process not the product. There is no pursuing happiness because happiness is life’s pursuit. Happiness is a by-product of doing things that don’t bring me instant gratification.
Beware of any happiness that can acknowledge itself. Get a promotion and you know why you’re happy. Land a book deal and you can pinpoint the cause of your elation. Neither case is dependable. You can’t rely on rewards such as these because you will live your life wanting more of them. Finding something you enjoy doing is the reward no one can take away from you. Whatever happens as a result is out of your control. If you love what you are doing you can learn to love whatever result you get because what you love doing caused it.
Allow me to illustrate.
To go back to a week ago, my happiest of days was not anything special. In fact, it was a Monday, the day of dread, the killer weekends. I never make personal plans on Mondays. I make sure my blog posts publish automatically. There just isn’t any time for clicking around. And this Monday, after a long uninterrupted span of classes and grading and planning, I was scheduled to meet a fellow writer looking for advice.
It’s nice to be sought after like that. So many mentors have helped me on my writing journey that it is natural to want to give away the insights I’ve discovered along the way. There is something restorative in giving back what you’ve been given. Cyclical. Sustainable. It’s how recovery works. It might also happen to be how life works, but I don’t want to get all preachy with you here. I just want to show you what might have made me gush with joy on an ordinary Monday a week ago.
After a long work day and over some coffee, I spent ninety minutes flying through everything I’ve learned about publishing, hoping my friend would be able to avoid all the vain and fruitless approaches I exhausted before moving on to newer and better ones. This, of course, I did with the disclaimer that I have not been published yet. My advice is instinctual, not empirical.
I’d be happy to share with anyone what I shared with him. Drop me a comment if you’re looking for some friendly advice. It is what makes me happy, I’ve realized. Slogging through drafts and query letters and submissions has been worth it just to package all my mistakes in a helpful heap. I really felt of use that afternoon. What I realize now that I didn’t then was that by articulating all that I’ve learned from my failures, I transformed them into a victory. I pounded and punched the clay, molded it into a tool someone else could use.
When I got home that day, I was giddy, dancing around the kitchen with my daughter and singing show tunes with my son. I helped my wife finish and plate our dinner. “What’s gotten into you?” She said. I had no clue then. In fact, her asking me that question was the first time I stopped to realize just how happy I was.
It wasn’t until a week later, riding to a retreat center that the reason for my happiness that day dawned on me.
Humans are not hoarders. It’s not natural. We are wired to share, to collaborate. I’ve read interesting history books that demystify the legends of rogue inventors. We revere Alexander Graham Bell but forget the swarm of inventors who developed similar models for the telephone and collaborated with him. It is usually circumstances that produce brilliant ideas. Humans are the vessels of those ideas. And the individuals who stumble upon them are people who love the process.
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase progress not perfection before. I’d suggest another to use synonymously: process not product.
So why was I so happy that day?
The pursuit of publication is a lonely and ego-centric road. And while I am fortunate to have readers of the blog to bolster my confidence, I spend an inordinate amount of time in vain attempts to boost my ego, to make my writing legitimate, to validate all the time I spend on the craft—in short, to be somebody. That’s an awful limb to stand on—to hang happiness on it is worse.
The world of the ego is a booby-trapped waste land. But still I am duped into believing that satisfying my ego will make me happy, as if achieving recognition will bring satisfaction.
I forget that the masterpiece is not what satisfies the painter. Painting does.
It took an afternoon of counsel with another writer to remind me of that. I was happier in the one day when I gave away all I learned in this publication journey than I had been in the 18 months of keeping it to myself.
It is, truly, far better to give than it is to receive.
Recovery taught me how to be useful. I learned that no matter how far I fall from grace, my experience can benefit others. When my alcoholic misery was at its worst, I did not know that I was developing the tools to help others. Recovery transforms all guilt, shame, and remorse into life preservers to save others from drowning. What’s more, if I don’t use them to help others, they will sink me eventually.
What a trip, this life.
All my failures have paved a road to living. And that journey, not the destination, is the reward I’ve been looking for.
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Obviously, you didn’t read the post. 😂
I just wanted to tell you I appreciate this.
This is something I struggle with. Somehow I still want to believe that the end result is going to give me a satisfaction that will last a lifetime. The feeling of being complete for just a moment cannot compare to experiencing an ongoing peace of mind. It’s all so complicated sometimes. I just want to be happy. Thanks for sharing. Love this. It helps my own journey.
Wow, that is like the perfect takeaway!
So, I met this author at a workshop. He won a book award that I sent my manuscript into. At the time, in my opinion, he was living the dream. But when I talked to him, all he could say was how winning the award grew to be totally unfulfilling. It wasn’t the magic switch he thought it be. Like, he wasn’t all of a sudden, turned on as a writer. All the celebs and famous ones out there present a different kind of image of success. But I don’t know them. The people I know don’t find that sort of satisfaction in anything but a job well done.
Anyway, I’m rambling. Thanks for stopping by and continuing the discussion.
Love this, Mark! It’s so true! I love giving things I learned away! I also find I am happy when I don’t compare myself, and don’t overthink things!
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy. Great to hear from you!
Good read thanks.
Fame and glory . Yep! Time to pick out my bow.
Hyannis Ma. By 1984/6ish the Big Book 12 Step movement came looking for another recovery pitch man. I’d been there shouting “pick me!” from the beginning yet saw myself as humble, spiritual even.. Was this my time to shine? Hob nob with worldly AA recovery elite? Sit at the front table with movie stars? Well yeah, it was and yeah I did this many times.
I learned “my” lesson one night. This wasn’t everyone’s lesson or the groups lesson, my sponsors lesson or even your lesson, no. This was my lesson. Nobody could help me this time. I was on my own.
I flew to Florida and the other speaker (big time AA guy) came from California. It was a Civic Center venue, 5k ish in attendance. I was up first and was supposed to tell stories and such, have some fun. Entertain really. At the last minute and I mean just as I was to open my mouth? I decided to talk about the Big Book 12 Steps. I mean my experience from 1 thru 12 in detail.
When it was all over I was ushered around to people who wanted to meet and greet. It didn’t last long. I had scared everybody. They wanted release. Fun and laughs sober.
I had bombed terribly and returned to my hotel lost and alone. Why? What was wrong with me? I asked for help, prayed for direction. Checked my phone. A guy who was in real trouble back home and writing his 4th had called. Not 5k guys no, just one. He asked me to sponsor him some weeks back. He trusted me. He was hoping I’d call him back. In my overwhelming situation I had struggled to remember his name. My mind was racing in self centeredness. I was way off track worshipping people for my recovery, hoping somebody somewhere held the answer to my low self esteem. Again hoping people could save me.
I did call him back that night and as the direct result felt much better about myself. He wanted Big Book 12 Steps and that’s what I had to offer. None of the 5k people called.
There’s some Clint Eastwood movie where he says “a mans got to know his limitations. ” Good reminder for me. Not you, just me..
Sometimes it’s not the 4,999. It’s the one. Wild stuff. Jet-setter of early sobriety.
I’ve never attended one of those larger conferences where the big time speakers visit. I’d like to. One day.
Good to hear from you Sherp. I could relate a lot to the reluctant 12-step sign up of early recovery.
Thanks for the reply..
Oh yeah! Spiritual AA giant or Mr.AA in need of Mrs.AA.. Only incomplete 4th Steps need apply and must have credit. A decent car?
Like the horrific time before my 12 Steps. I was maybe sober a few months speaking on God and the whole asking for help thing and got into a full on fist fight at the break with someone I owed money to….Yep. Look at me go! What power! What’s my name! I can completely traumatize a room of young people sober.
In time I moved on to simply draining the emotional security from anyone with my semi treated alcoholic manipulation.
And today? I’m well aware of my boundary jumping unaccountability. I know everything about everything except when to shut up and listen. So I do a lot of listening. It’s good. Scary sometimes but good just the same.
Awareness is clutch. I have trouble turning off that manipulation machine. But life (and expecially relationships) become so much easier when I forget all about the angles.
Have a great weekend, sherp.
Yeah. I’m into it everyday. It’s good.
My latest brilliant idea came the other day. It was really cold around here I could just donate hot soup and everyone would love it. Nope. They’d rather have sandwiches. Ok I can make sandwiches. It’s just I’ve been making sandwiches for years and I can’t help thinking nice hot chicken soup would be better in the winter. I can’t get it out of my head so….
New brilliant idea! I make the soup and put it on a propane hot plate on the back of my pickup tailgate. Pull up on the dirt under the overpass downtown by the community center where there’s AA/NA early meetings for the shelter and walk in crowd. Hang a sign over the side that says (FREE HOT CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP)) I don’t think I’d be there long enough to get busted for no permit. An hour most to get rid of 3/4 gallons I figure.
The one string that bugs me is I need to use Styrofoam cups. Paper ones for hot liquids are too expensive. And plastic spoons. I can’t find wood spoons that can scoop soup.
Anyway…36 years sober and still learning the process of giving without conditions.. I have willingness so that’s good.
Thanks, Stepsherpa. I needed to hear that today. I remember you telling me a long time ago, it’s not about the spectators. I still have that email.
The core of Recovery, excellently written Mark. I’ve experienced that ‘buzz’ from sharing my skills learned in the print industry, layout and design on a Mac then preparing all the files and fonts to go to the printer, when I taught at a youth project.
Giving those young adults some IT skills when the education system has given up on them. Priceless.
When my other creative interests didnt pan out, I found, like yourself, teaching or training others was where its at. I hope to return to it….one day.
Thanks for another excellent read.
The Goodson: on mission
Haha, I sure try to be. On a mission that is. For as much as I complain, I can admit that if I weren’t this terribly busy, I’d be miserable. It’s the truth. I didn’t know you had such vast experience, Johnny. It’s good to get to know you better. Getting those young ones up on IT, that’s a truly worthy mission.
Thank you mate, much love to you and your clan, Johnny + Mags x
I find that happiness is like beauty – all in the eye of the beholder. And we all attempt to/or succeed and find it differently. If there was one cure-all, this world wouldn’t be in such a mess.
I like that—the eye of the beholder. So true!
Failures into victory. Enough said. I’m catching up on your posts Mark. Peace and goodwill sent your way. ✌🏻👣👌
Thank you, Samuel!