Willingness
When it comes to getting sober, willingness is the key.
Before I became willing to get sober, I had no true chance. Cutting away the layers of self-deceit to get to that priceless core, the true self, is not easy. Alcoholism, addiction, mental health. These burdens carry with them a spy, an inside man. Your enemy is in between your ears, telling you lies in a harmony you can dance to. It’s difficult to put to words—the way our minds become our worst enemies.
I know there was no reaching me before I hit bottom. People tried to help. I was too far gone then.
In high school, for example, a loved one gave me a pamphlet to read about alcoholism. I had just had a run-in with the police. I had several of those in high school. Consequences were my drinking’s shadow.
This pamphlet had 12 questions on it. One of those “You might be an alcoholic if” lines of interrogation. I answered each question carefully and truthfully. Even then, I took my drinking seriously. I was obstinate about never becoming an alcoholic—even though I was already acting like one. Herbert Spencer called this mentality, “Contempt prior to investigation.”
So there I sat, a scrawny sophomore, compiling evidence from a pamphlet about my drinking experience.
I answered yes, honestly, to nine of the twelve questions. That would not do. When asked how many I answered yes to, I said, “Three.” That sounded a whole lot more reasonable than nine. Answering three was what how someone who had conducted an innocent experiment with a six pack would answer.
The pamphlet ended with, “If you answered ‘yes’ to four or more of these questions, you might be an alcoholic.”
Dodged a bullet there, I thought. Of course, looking back, I see the scenario for what it is. Even at age fifteen, I was exhibiting signs of full-blown alcoholism. But when I got away with it, my mind convinced me it was okay.
What’s worse, I remembered two of the things I hadn’t done yet. One was take a drink in the morning. The other was take a drink alone. Worse than telling myself that I could answer yes to nine of the twelve questions and still not have a problem was using the two questions I answered no to to do drink with impunity.
I had a pair of boxes to check. In whatever condition I came to—whatever stupor I survived—I could take solace in the fact that I had not taken a drink alone or in the morning. I used these facts to run wild in my addiction, believing that I wasn’t as bad as I could get.
Of course, years later, when I decided to take a drink alone in the morning, the pact I made with myself never crossed my mind.
When it comes to alcoholism, my brain is an incredibly adaptive organ, capable of shifting my thoughts away from the real issue—my drinking.
I relay this story for anyone needing to get honest with himself, yes, but I also would like anyone who is working with someone suffering from alcoholism, addiction, or mental health to be aware that victims of such invisible killers might be wired to self-sabotage in a very cunning and deliberate way.
You are really speaking to two people when you are speaking with an addict. One is the person who is hard-wired against hearing what you have to say. That person is defiant. He is looking to cut and run at the first opportunity. He will make you feel like your work is a complete waste of time.
But there is someone else in every addict. There is a person who wants to get clean. That person is hearing you. He is taking in everything you say and storing it for a later date, the way a squirrel hordes acorns for the winter.
The problem with working people who suffer from mental health is that you don’t see the immediate change, but you have to trust that change might happen as a result of evidently fruitless effort. That change is not guaranteed, of course, but without help, those suffering are guaranteed to fail.
The only thing that is fruitless about helping an addict is gauging his willingness to get clean. If he is anything like me, he will not know if he is willing, but will sure try his hardest to convince you he is.
I’m a big fan of scripture.
The wisdom in Jesus’ words have helped me understand aspects of my life that I could have never comprehended without them.
When I think of willingness, I think of having the right ears: “Those with ears to hear, will hear.” It is easy enough to hear what someone is saying, but can we truly listen? In order to listen, we have to put our mental agenda on hold. This is not easy to do. Objectivity is impossible to begin with. In addition, if your mind is anything like mine, it is riddled with angles and motive. This sort of complex wiring cannot be turned off like a light switch.
In addition to our own capacity for complex human machination, modern living, by all appearances, is becoming increasingly disingenuous. We are forced, mainly in our engagement with the internet, to care more about how we want to be seen than how we really are. This disconnect is real. I’ve felt it—acutely, at times.
How can we possible discern anything true about ourselves when social media demands us to present our very best? The image of my life I present on Instagram, Facebook, and even this blog, are not what I am truly going through. They are a hologram, a representation of my life selected for public viewing.
Can we cut through all the layers of meaning that our minds place over our thoughts? Can we decipher ourselves from the people we are pressured to appear to be?
True willingness is an art.
And while no art is perfect, we can do our best to practice it.
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This is an excellent portrayal of the value of Will. It grows when used…but we have to start. Thank you for posting.
Yes, the start is the requirement. Hard to control the rest!
Thank you for your kindness and support.
Lovely thought provoking post. Spot on with me. Going to print and read it every day.
Thank you Mark. A.
Thank you Audrey. Always good to hear from you.
To know that someone values the words enough to print them has just made my day. Truly. Thank you.
I was just thinking the other day about how our life – bearings are directed toward the recovery possibility , often long before we may be consciously aware of it ….Though often times with a little intimations or hints, cues, if you will. Thanks Mark, for your sensitivity and diligence.
https://www.facebook.com/1741264839516005/posts/1999929090316244/
Yes! That is it, exactly. Things help us without our knowing they are a help to us at all. Seeds get planted. I had no idea that these moments would help make ‘firm bedrock’ one day. But here they are.
As someone who relapsed after 20 of sobriety and has been trying to string time together again for the past 7 months, I am deeply moved by the truth of this post. IT is very true what you say about those two people inside of us…and yes, I have squirreled away the nuggets of wisdom and love I’ve received from others in recovery all these months, but willingness to truly give up the alcohol as my “go to” in moments of emotional pain have kept me going back to a drink (and the 20 that follow) each time. My sponsor’s time has not been wasted, though. I am 6 days sober today, and she reminds me that after 11 years sober, she and I have only this one day, this one moment even, that we stand in. Thank you so much for your writing!
Hey Bridget! First of all, congrats on your sobriety! Every day sober is a gift. And we only need to worry about that one day at a time. I know it’s a cliche but it’s so true.
I’m glad you can relate to the willingness stuff. It’s crazy, isn’t it? We just don’t know what is saving our lives when we hear it. Time will always tell. But time takes time. I hope you continue to stop on by and say hi. Stay on the beam! It’s worth it.
And thank you for your kind comment.
Mark
Hey Mr. Mark..Hope you’re well..
Willingness is really an AA 12 Steps thing to me. It’s where I first heard of it, where I was spiritually introduced to it and then awakened by it? Where I found it could apply to me to overcome my selfishness and self centered fear, my alcoholism. I understood where the Book said willingness was indispensable. In short? Willingness is key to my living sober. It’s a 9th Step promise of a new attitude and outlook on life itself. It’s a direct result of my 3rd Step decision or my 7th Step surrender to my God and the suffering man. It’s all that and a bag of action packed into a new day.
So today is that new day. Right now.
I have to work, I have a pile of responsibilities to meet. Bills all that, no different than most. Pressure, chaos, what’s going to go wrong next spotlighting my many unresolved projects and issues. Sometimes it seems the negativity is waiting on the bedpost as a demon waiting to share my day or control it completely. Where’s the willingness now? Where’s my new attitude and outlook on life now? Somewhere in yesterday’s sobriety? Can I get by on what life used to be? Telling myself tales of great accomplishments? Or can I muster the willingness to pull up, get myself into the day, be a part of it. Sometimes not such an easy task.
My Step 11 Upon Awakening. Upon Awakening I am willing to become spiritually awakened. Here? I must be all in… Not get up, coffee, clothes on, crazy Mad Max commute to work for the money money money! Killing myself to build self esteem on a foundation of better bigger stuff? No..Hey, that may be fine for others but I’m alcoholic. I’m not like everybody. I must be willing to live by spiritual principles. Either that? Or living hell. That’s just the way it is.
Sorry..Going way long…So TODAY!
I got a guy who’s ready to read an extensive 10th Step he wrapped up yesterday. Wants me to witness it. Step 12 for me. I prayed for direction this morning when I was willing to be spiritually awakened with my Big Book Step 11. Damn, I am really busy. Too busy for the suffering man? My stuff! All my stuff, my arrangements, my plans and designs! This 10th is huge, atleast 8 to 10 hours I’m guessing.
My willingness comes on strong. I decide to put his needs first. Oh, my family won’t suffer, my life won’t come undone. I told this man in the beginning that I was willing to go as far as he did. This is where we are and I’m still willin…
I feel good actually. like I have a real purpose. You can’t see it or taste it, show it to others but it is here right now as I write. Late this afternoon we’ll get together in my garage. It’s a good place. We’ll hit our knees and pray for direction , he’ll probably add something and I’ll of course pray to keep a confidence. Our willingness will be strong.. Why wouldn’t it be? We have not only solved the drink problem today but also become willing to undergo the suggested psychic change offered in the 12 Steps.
Willingness…Everything I know about living sober I learned this morning when I prayed for willingness. When I prayed to my Higher Power to direct me. When I was first willing to surrender.
Thanks for the healthy thread.
That’s what’s up, sherp. The aha moment in the putting others ahead of yourself. What a revelation!
It’s great to see progress in other people that I have seen (slowly) in myself. Take your paying bills (like everyone else) comment. I mean, it took me a long time just to realize that everyone also struggles with bills and the rest just like me. Simple things like that–things that ground me and unite me with the world, go a long long way for some peace of mind.
I’m glad you were able to be there for him, the 10th step guy. And it’s those moments when we get taken out of our busy and fretful world, that I think we discover the fourth dimension of existence, so to speak, the here and now!
Quick thought here…
A long time ago (late 80’s) I had a group of 30 guys working the Big Book 12 Steps in County. I was active there for maybe 2 years pretty much alone. Most fundamentalist thumpers blamed me for breaching the AA traditions so I got no real support. Then I got a Christmas card from one of the guys who did his work and was released. I’ll never forget the impact it had on me. The willingness to change in this man. To express his feelings.
The recent 10th Step guy you were curious about wrapped his work up a few days ago. He sent me a text last night of a youtube video. The last part of Scrooged movie where Bill Murry is talking about finally getting it. The whole “giving thing” everyday , not just Christmas. Here! Have a sandwich!
Kooky post I know, but in my world without willingness? There is no kindness or compassion. No understanding. Only selfishness and fear.
I love that reference. That’s my favorite Scrooge rendition too! Well, maybe the Muppets are better. It’s a tossup.
I’m glad the man you’re working with is starting to get it. Most days, I feel like I am perpetually ‘starting to get it’ over and over again.
A Christmas Card in the mail. It’s the little things, isn’t it? I imagine that’s how I feel when a student visits and says, “remember when?” Good stuff, Sherp. Made my day.
Love this. Being that it’s March, my sponsor and I are focusing our conversation on what it means to turn my will over (3rd month, 3rd Step), which is an act of continually returning to willingness. This post is very apropos. Glad to have connected, and I look forward to reading more. Jeff
Jeff – Great stuff. Love the 3rd month, 3rd step. That’s a great way to work through them. I’m currently going on walks with my sponsor at pretty much a monthly basis. Aren’t we lucky to have people to turn to? At the least it’s an opportunity to practice our willingness! Look forward to more correspondence. Thanks for stopping by. Mark.
Wow, yes, agree with this so much. Scary but completely true.